


I'm Sorry

by SomewhereNotHere



Category: Persona 4, Persona Series
Genre: Emotional Hurt, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Rejection, Strained Friendships, Unrequited, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-01-28
Packaged: 2018-03-09 11:07:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3247394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomewhereNotHere/pseuds/SomewhereNotHere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If only he had never felt this way at all…</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Sorry

"You… what?"

He stands there, palms beginning to sweat, heart pounding in his chest, and all his mind screams is  _run away, run away, run away—_

Down at the Samegawa Flood Plain, where they’ve been before, during the time they finally became equals, Souji is…  _confessing to him?_

"Yosuke, I…" his best friend, his partner, takes a shaky breath, "I said I like you."

It’s the first time he’s seeing Souji look so vulnerable, so absolutely unsure of himself, that he has to take a few minutes to just… process it all. He doesn’t mean to stare, if that’s what he’s doing, but Yosuke can’t take his eyes off him.

The Fool shifts under the Magician’s gaze, nerves only becoming anxiety, and oh how he wishes he could take his words back, if only he wasn’t putting Yosuke in this position, but he wants to know,  _needs_ to know if there’s even a slight chance that the person standing in front of him feels the same way.

The problem is, he doesn’t.

Yosuke finally clears his throat, scratching the back of his neck, breaking eye contact as his head moves down, and he now finds himself staring at the grass beneath his feet. It’s looking particularly green today, he notes, and there’s even the remnants of flowers on the ground. Petals pressed into the surface, maybe from further behind him, maybe from a couple’s date, he doesn’t know, but with each second that passes feeling more like an hour, he’s trying to find the words to reply with.

He doesn’t want to hurt Souji, it’s the last thing in the entire world he’d ever think of doing, in fact wouldn’t at all, but he can’t do this, he really  _can’t,_ he doesn’t feel that way, doesn’t think he ever will, but that face…

_Why wasn’t Souji born a girl?_

"Look, dude, I…" he coughs, trying to buy more time, "I… It’s not that I don’t… appreciate your feelings…"

_No, they make him feel uncomfortable, make him feel sick inside, but that’s his own fault, his own shitty fault for being a shitty person._

"I… kinda want us to stay the same, you know? Why do we… need to be anything else, type of thing. You get me?"

Souji’s quiet for a moment, far too quiet in fact, but what else was Yosuke to expect after hearing something he was probably dreading? How was anyone able to take rejection with a smile, and actually  _mean_ the smile they were making, to actually  _mean_ that “it’s okay” when it wasn’t?

"Yeah, I… I get you, Yosuke. Of course." the smile he makes only breaks Yosuke’s heart, and by god he can’t imagine how it must feel for Souji, "Sorry if… Sorry if I’ve made it awkward between us."

"Nah, you could never do that."

It’s a lie, but it makes it easier, and he almost believes it himself, almost makes everything feel  _normal_  again when he walks towards Souji to pat him on the shoulder, giving him one of his signature grins.

It helps, if only a little. Makes the pain easier to bear, and Souji’s thankful for that, will be for a long while, but… it hurts.  _It hurts, it hurts, it hurts._

"How about we get something from Aiya’s then head home, bro? It’s been a long day."

"Sounds like a plan."

Everything seems normal, oh so normal as they start the usual conversations about school, about what’s going on at home, about work, about the case, about anything and everything they always talk about. If they don’t think too hard, what just happened didn’t… even happen at all.

Yet as they get to Aiya’s, as they sit down for food, Yosuke only now notices the way Souji looks at him,  _really_ looks at him, and  _why was he so stupid to never notice before?_

There’s such admiration in those eyes, he can sense how proud he feels of him, but there’s  _something_ else there that’s only now clear after the confession. Genuine fondness, genuine interest in every little thing, and it only makes him feel more sick, but sick at  _himself._

He wishes he felt the same, Souji means so much to him already, but it’s…

_'I can't, I'm sorry, I can't do it.'_

Leaving later than planned, the wind only seems to bite more,  only seems that much colder when they wave to each other and part ways, Souji on his way to the Dojima’s, Yosuke to his own home that is the Hanamura residence, a place where he doesn’t want to be right now.

He wants to be with Souji, to see if he’s alright, but in doing that, he knows he’ll only give off the wrong impression, give off the wrong signals, and by god does Souji not deserve any more pain than he’s probably endured already. It’d be far too cruel.

So all he does, while he lies there in bed staring at the ceiling, listening to Teddie softly snore, is text his best friend one simple good night message, a simple “sleep well, dude, c u @ school”, but even  _that_  he regrets sending as soon as it’s too late.

Souji won’t see it as anything else, right? He won’t think Yosuke will slowly come round and change his mind, right? He doesn’t want to give the wrong impression, give off the wrong signals.

The receiver lies there in bed, staring at the ceiling above him much the same, eyes glued to his phone screen, straining to see properly from how bright it is compared to the darkness of his room, strained from the tears he’s trying to hold back. He doesn’t cry, won’t let himself do that, but it still hurts, there’s still regret there, even after the short relief any sort of answer gave him.

Maybe it wasn’t worth it after all, but he keeps reading the text over and over, somehow finding comfort in those words, somehow unable to not love his best friend more. If only Yosuke wasn’t so kind, it’d be easy. Under all the offensiveness, under all of the things that make his best friend annoying to others, there’s someone worth loving. Someone, who, he’s glad to know, someone who he’ll never wish he didn’t get to know. He’s grateful, so very grateful.

Even if it’s hard to sleep, even if he doesn’t get any sleep at all.

The days that follow are easy to bear with the whole group, easy to pretend like nothing is wrong, easy to pretend that there’s no shift in their relationship. When they’re alone on the school roof, alone eating lunch, that’s when it’s difficult.

It’s when they both think, when they both recall the days before. The day of the confession always flashes in their minds first, however from there it’s different for the two.

Yosuke keeps going back to the lingering looks, the lingering hands, arms, anything that was longer than usual, and he’s kicking himself over and over again for not noticing,  _why didn’t he notice sooner?_

It’s only when they’re alone like this that Souji realises how foolish he’s been, for all the times he tried to get closer,  _physically_ closer, only for the brunette to move uncomfortably. He should have known it’d never pan out like he planned, like he  _hoped,_  but wishful thinking seemed to be wired into his DNA as soon as he became acquainted with Inaba,  _and why this of all things specifically?_

"Thanks for the lunch, dude." Yosuke finally speaks, patting Souji on the shoulder, his hand staying there for a while, before it’s removed quickly and resting in his pocket.

Things like that start becoming regular. Little things, things that calm his best friend, make his stomach flutter all the same, even if he doesn’t realise it has that affect.

His hands, whenever possible, linger closer to Souji’s, almost touching, fingers ever so slightly brushing against each other as they sit up on the roof, or go to Aiya’s and any other place in the Shopping District.

He hugs Souji of his own accord, too, even if such hugs end with a slightly rough pat on the back, followed by a laugh. Hearing Yosuke laugh with that smile on his face only makes him fall harder, makes his feelings all the more prominent in his chest.

It’s nice, the way Yosuke makes him feel, the way he’s physically closer without having to try to make it happen himself, the way Yosuke’s eyes linger on Souji longer than needed, just to check on him, the hushed words spoken to him on top of that. It’s really nice.

_Why can’t it be real?_

Why can’t it be because of a reply he still longs for, a change in response to his confession? It will never be what he wants, so… why do it? Why torture him the way it does as the days pass? It doesn’t feel as nice any more, in fact, he _hates_ it, only wishes that Yosuke would  _knock it off,_ but he hasn’t the strength nor heart to ask, since…  _so stupidly he still clings onto the hope of change._

Things continue for however long it’s been since the confession, however many days, however many weeks have passed. More than one? Two, maybe three? It’s hard to tell when it doesn’t even matter, shouldn’t even matter,  _but it does to Souji._

One day it’s all too much as they find themselves down at the Samegawa Flood Plain again, this time accompanied by soft drinks and warm bowls of udon noodles ordered from Aiya’s. The food doesn’t taste as good when there are unspoken words in those unsure glances they make at each other, and it’s enough to make Souji stop eating altogether, stand up, and ball his hands into fists.

"Yosuke, please stop."

"Stop what, dude? All I’m doing is eating—"

_"You know what I mean."_

The words are spoken so desperately, so intensely, that Yosuke stops what he’s doing altogether. He just sits there, bowl abandoned beside him, as he looks up at Souji, mouth slightly open.

 ”Stop… trying to be closer, stop with the little touches, stop doing all the things that couples would try, I’ve had enough of it. I… I know you’re only trying to be kind, I  _get_ that, but…”

"I want to feel the same way," he interrupts with what only ends up adding to the pain, only ends up frustrating Souji more, "Believe me, I do. If only you were a girl, then maybe—"

"I’m  _not_ a girl, and that’s just it, so stop  _trying_ to make things better when you’re only making them  _worse,_ only making it  _hurt_ more. Please, Yosuke, if you even care about me at all, you wouldn’t be doing this.”

The words pierce right through him, strike him right in the chest, and he realises this is now another time he’s seeing a different side to his best friend, a side that he wishes he wasn’t, a negative thing that’s hisfault  _again._

_Why can’t he stop being a shitty person? Why does he keep doing this to someone important to him?_

"Souji, I… I never meant…"

"I know, but it only makes it harder. I… liked it, for a time, if only because I could pretend, but I can’t any more. I  _can’t_  do this, and I don’t want you too either.”

They stay where they are, in silence, taking in each other’s words.

"Shit, Souji, I…" sucking in a breath to steady his breathing, Yosuke looks down at the ground, unable to look his best friend in the eye any more, "I…  Yeah, I won’t… do anything that’ll hurt you any more, but I—"

"No buts, Yosuke, please, I don’t… I don’t think I’d be able to take it. I’m not as strong with this as you, or I, even think. It’s harder than that, so… if you respect our friendship, you’ll…"

_He’ll stop being a shitty person, stop hurting Souji like this if he cares at all._

"Yeah, I… Damn, just… Dammit…"

It’s hard for Souji to even think of sitting back down, he doesn’t feel comfortable enough, doesn’t feel comfortable even  _near_ Yosuke right now, and while that hurts too, it makes sense and he… won’t blame Yosuke for that, couldn’t ever blame Yosuke for that, since he’s not the only one at fault.

If only he had never felt this way at all…

"I’m going to head back, if that’s okay with you. I think… Nanako will be home soon, so maybe I can make something for her."

_'Which translates to “Maybe we shouldn't speak for a while”, doesn't it?'_

Yosuke doesn’t need to ask when he knows it to be true. They both need space. They’re still friends, but… friends who need space. It’ll… be better for them both, better to be able to breathe and leave this all behind them the next time they talk, the next time they hang out, or the next time they’re in the TV world. No one needs distractions there of all places…

"Yeah, go on ahead, partner, I’ll see you in school Monday anyway, so… No worries."

Their farewells for this day are… slightly painful, if only when Souji finally walks away. Not talking for a while will be hard, but it’s better than ruining the friendship at all, and that’s something Yosuke would  _never_ want to happen, even after all this, even after the confession, even after knowing Souji might still feel the way he does for some time, because it doesn’t matter compared to the friendship they’ve built up before all this.

To think he was one step away from destroying it all… Still is, if he’s not careful…

"I… I really messed up this time. I’m sorry, Souji, I’m… really sorry."


End file.
